


distance between us

by sorano (zostir)



Category: IDOLiSH7 (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Gift Fic, Light Angst, POV Second Person, Vignette, canon divergence if you have already read part 2, distances are metaphorical lol, the title is so unoriginal i wouldn't be surprised if someone already used it, this fic was supposed to be shorter, this follows the anime's timeline and then i improsived to avoid spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-11 01:53:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18420420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zostir/pseuds/sorano
Summary: When you were a kid, you believed Tenn would always stand next to you.But as time goes by, you realize the distance between you also grows up - until you finally lose him.





	distance between us

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alia03](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alia03/gifts).



> Happy birthday to my friend, my lifesaver, my muse (yes, you are), my partner in crime, Lai!!  
> I owe you a lot and I should have written you fluff but you know I live for angst. I am sorry this is a bit rushed, I was quite busy for the last weeks.
> 
> To fellow players who read the in-game story, please read the tags. I'm not taking anything that happens in the anime into account, because most of my friends are anime-only and I don't want to spoil them. And I chose a happy ending because it's still a birthday gift. :)

**< 5 cm>**

"Tenn-nii, let's sleep together!"

You've asked him so many times, and he always agrees, crawling into your futon with his pillow under his arm. You're still small enough to share it, even though you have to be 5 centimetres away from each other, with his arm forming a bridge between you; if you're closer, you don't have enough room to breathe; if you're too distant, the blanket doesn't cover you both.

Sleeping with Tenn right next to you is comforting, as he often takes you in his arms, to ward off nightmares. Because of your coughing fits that wake you both, you don't sleep well, but at least you're not bothered by bad dreams. Not when you feel his arm lying on your waist, the warmth of his body against yours, telling you you're not alone.

You're close, closer than you are during the daytime, closer than you'll be in the near future. Those 5 centimetres separating you feels like nothing at all; they're like a film of air you could tear away if you really wanted to.

 

 

 

**< 50 cm>**

When he comes into your hospital room, Tenn puts his hands behind his back, so that you can't see what he's hiding. You never thought of cheating at this game: guessing and finding out the shape of the origami he's holding is too funny. Most of the time, it takes you time until you finally win; and sometimes, Tenn chooses a model he has already done before, because he wanted to try it out again, or because he lacked imagination. It doesn't matter: what's important is this small piece of folded paper he hands you, almost shy, and you take it into your trembling fingers, afraid to damage his work.

Today's water-lily flower seems to bloom inside his hands when he uncovers it, and you observe your new origami with fascination. He usually uses plain paper, often white, sometimes coloured, but today, the flower's petals are ornamented with a red and pink pattern on a white background, with dark blue notes, so delicate that when you brush the surface with your forefinger, you're almost afraid of ruining them.

Tenn, sitting on the edge of the bed, smiles, proud of his origami.

"Woa, Tenn-nii, it's beautiful!" you whisper, as if the sound of your voice would disturb the flower. "You're really talented!"

His only answer is a nod.

He's been quieter, lately. When you look at his dreamy eyes, you wonder what he's thinking of. You don't know what feelings lie behind his pale irises - you don't know anything about the pains he hides from you, the emotions he represses for your sake. All you see is his love for you, the only thing he allows himself to express, be it in his soft gaze or in the care he puts into his origami.

Of course, you notice the distance growing between you, but isn't that a normal thing? One day, you'll be teenagers, and then adults, and you won't be as close as you are right now, but you believe you will always find your way back to your brother.

You don't know he doesn't think like you.

 

 

 

**< 50 m>**

You lightly squeeze his fingers, as your only request, but his hand slides against your palm, until it breaks free from yours.

You're too surprised to react, so you observe him drawing away from you. Each step he takes increases the distance he's putting between you, and even though all you need is a few strides to catch him up, to hold him back, to stop him from leaving you, you make no move at all.

You don't understand. Have you done something he can't forgive? Does he hate you now?

You don't have the strength to stop him.

However, when he's 50 meters away from you - a distance you could cross easily, but in your heart, you don't feel able to do so - you finally shout his name.

"Tenn-nii! Don't leave! Tenn-nii!"

You cry, you scream so loud you're afraid by the sound of your own voice, and for the first time of your life, you realize how powerful it is - even though you don't understand what you're supposed to do with this force. You scream until you can't bear it anymore, until you're on the verge on an attack - and then you stop, because your beloved Tenn-nii won't be there for you, nobody will care for you now—

"Tenn-nii", you whisper, your hand on your inhaler.

And you look at his back looking smaller, until a car door hides him from your view.

 

 

 

**<?? m>**

Mom doesn't remove Tenn's belongings right away.

They don't move from their place for a while. So your closet is full of Tenn's clothes, and you aren't allowed to wear them, otherwise you'd make your mom cry; his books and notebooks stand on the shelves; his futon lies under yours.

You don't want to touch his things either. You cried your eyes out for months, but now you only pretend you don't see them.

One day, when you're at the hospital, dad is fed up with the situation, so he goes into your room with a big bin bag. When you come home, your room looks so empty, and you tear down, as it finally dawns on you that Tenn won't come back.

(For years, you believe dad has thrown his belongings away. But then you need to move out of your house, and you discover he stocked them in the attic. Nonetheless, you need to throw out a part of them, so all three of you end up crying again.)

 

 

 

**<?? m>**

As soon as you hear the name, you hate it.

 _Kujou_  Tenn.

You hate it all the more so as it sounds great - even natural. It could be his real name. You hear it so much you almost doubt he was ever Nanase Tenn.

Of course, it was too be expected. He left you to become an idol, why should he keep your surname? _Do you still think of me?_ you want to shout. _Do you still think of me, now that your dream came to?_

You're not brothers anymore.

You hope Nanase Tenn is still here, asleep inside this strange being, this modern day angel with his alluring smiles, far from the soft, fond gazes he used to have. But all you can see is an empty shell, tailored to the audience's wishes, giving his everything to the fans, and nothing to you.

"I hate Tenn-nii", you repeat, because he left your home, hurt your parents and discarded you.

In truth, you still love him - what you hate is your own feelings for him.

 

 

 

**<?? m>**

When you take your seat at the concert venue, alongside the other members of IDOLiSH7, you feel the excitation rise into you. You're going to see Tenn in the flesh for the first time in years - though from afar, as an idol and his fan. You're about to see him coming to life before your eyes, to see the same moves you know by heart after watching the DVD so many times.

For now, the scene is surrounded by darkness, but he's close.

Was it wise, to get your secret off your chest? None of your new bandmates judges you for your silence, not even Iori who's always quick to annoy you. None of them tells you that your dream is stupid, that you should stop being an idol, that you won't reach him. And you feel better, now that you said what was on your heart.

You're not alone anymore. Your bandmates can't replace Tenn, but they can fill a part of the emptiness you learnt to live with.

Then you hear music, and your eyes are drawn to your brother.

 

 

 

**< 10 m>**

It must be your fault. Of course, it is. Why would the kind, affectionate Tenn ignore you if you haven't done something wrong?

When you call him, using his old nickname ( _Tenn-nii_!), you do expect a reaction. While you don't think he's going to fall into your arms and burst into tears, you hope that he will, at least, smile at you. Maybe wave back, if you're lucky. You don't expect him to stop his track and go tell you everything that happened to him. You saw it in his dance, you heard it in his voice: he's happy, now.

But his eyes falling on you are so cold, and he turns his head away as soon as he noticed you.

It must be your fault.

 

 

 

**< 2 m>**

Meeting Tenn before the Zero Arena surprises you.

Once again, you have no idea about what he's thinking - why does he wander at night, looking almost as lost as you, his eyes focused on the closed concert hall, as if he wished to sing there one day?

You stand two meters away from each other, which is weird, because usually people get nearer when they're talking; but there's still some reserve between the two of you, and you don't dare to draw closer. However, you aren't mere strangers; even now, it is clear he cares deeply for you.

He asks for your health, an expected question as the night is quite cold, and the wind blowing around you makes you shiver; but you're okay, and you want him to believe you. Because you are. Because you're sure you won't have an attack.

And while your body are still so far away, you manage to bring your heart closer.

You tell him, "I want to keep singing! This is my weapon, after all." You tell him, "I'll keep running until I can't breathe anymore." You have no control other the words you're shouting; they come from your core, and maybe they'll anger Tenn, maybe he'll leave you again after hearing them.

Instead, he finally smiles at you, and you had forgotten how beautiful and soft his smiles were - so a part of you want to cry.

Is this the reconciliation you were looking for?

Is this the recognition you sought?

 

 

 

**< 1 m>**

You're standing on the same stage as Tenn, as a fellow idol - as his equal, for once.

This is different from your past relationship, when you relied on him and he never opened up to you. Now, you're rivals. He fought with his new song - TRIGGER's new song, _Leopard Eyes_ , sensual and tempting, as usual, but when you looked at Tenn, all you could see was a boy who worked hard to stand on this stage. You saw his efforts, his sacrifices, and even though you still don't know why he left you, you couldn't help but admire him.

Then it was your turn, and all your thoughts were for your bandmates, those six guys who helped you reach this dream (and maybe, at some point, you hoped Tenn was watching you, approving you, admiring you).

And now you stand on the same stage.

You're not singing together, as you hoped for when you became an idol; you're not even in the same group.

But if he recognizes you, it doesn't matter.

You hear IDOLiSH7's name being claimed as the victor; as you realize you beat Tenn, you can't help but smile. It's been a while since you've been so happy; with all the rumours and tension, all seven of you were almost lost; and TRIGGER helped you, Tenn helped you without realizing. That's why you can't stand on this stage, proud of what you've done.

You're one meter away from Tenn, until he closes the distance, promising you to tell you everything - and you don't know how this will happen, but it will. You will finally learn his hidden past.

Then one meter away, again, as it wouldn't be appropriate to stand closer in public.

 

 

 

**< 50 cm>**

He's in your room and you barely dare to breathe.

Sitting on your bed, right next to you, but still a bit distant - the space between you should be about half a meter -, he keeps silent. His long locks hide his face, and you're too impressed to push them away.

As you aren't talking, you can hear the dorm's sounds around you. Iori is in his own bedroom, and even though he's a quiet guy, you notice the soft thump of his slippers when he stands up, the light scraping of his chair against the carpet. There's also a loud beating in your ears, and it takes you a while to realize it's your own blood pumping into your veins.

Then Tenn leans his head, turning it enough for you to look into his eyes - and they're fond and sad at the same time.

Now isn't the right time to talk about the past; but it can wait, you decide.

So you ask him: "Can I sing something to you?" He nods, startled by your sudden proposition, and you start to sing _Secret Night,_ with an ease betraying how often you sing it to yourself.

 

 

 

**< 5 cm>**

Another stage, another challenge - this time IDOLiSH7 and TRIGGER are performing together. It's supposed to be easy-going, but you feel the tension arising when you leave your dressing room.

Tenn is right behind you, forced to stand close to you as space, backstage, is a bit crooked and tight, so he has no choice. But you know he doesn't mind.

He whispers, so low you're the only one who can hear: "The next time we meet, TRIGGER isn't going to lose."

You chuckle, but you don't answer. Of course, the winner will be IDOLiSH7. You have to show him.

 

 

 

**< 0 cm>**

With what happened, you had crossed off every possibility of physical displays of affection between the two of you.

You have learnt that Tenn hides his attachment. He is now more distant, more reserved; the soft looks, the way he enquires about your health, the roundabout compliments he offers you, this is where his love lies. And you're okay with it, as it's still better than not seeing him at all.

So when he suddenly pulls you into a hug, you stiffen, unable to understand what's happening.

He says: "I'm sorry", and you wrap your arms around him, shyly, afraid he's going to pull himself out; but he doesn't. For now, you are allowed to hug him, and you finally cry against his shoulder.

**Author's Note:**

> I used episode 16's translation for Riku's quotes before Zero Arena, if you're wondering!  
> Thank you for reading! :)


End file.
